I was spending a morning playdate with a few other moms recently during which one of them shared a frustration about her husband. Essentially, she was busy one school morning preparing food for her children and lunch for her husband.
So he walks in, asks if she needs help, and she says, “Yes, you can cut that sandwich.” You see, she was making him a sub so that he would eat that at work rather than spend money on his lunch break.
Here’s what she became furious over. He cuts the long baguette, not lengthwise, but straight down the middle. She rolls her eyes (I’m assuming) and decides to continue making his lunch on her own.
Let them fuck it up, for goodness sake…
At least a couple of us voiced that she maybe shouldn’t be making her husband a sandwich, but she - rationally - found that it was the best way to save her family money. Fair enough.
Here is where I take issue: when your husband walks up and asks how he can help, to me the ideal reply is. “Make your sandwich.” This man could potentially make the most incompetent sandwich of all time, sure. And if he were to look at her when they both realized his error, shrugging as if, “Guess I’m just not made for sandwich assembly after all, dear,” she could look him in the eye and say, “Nah, it’s fine. You got this.”
In short, this whole “Ha ha! He’s adorably incompetent!” schtick is not cute.
We do want help, right?
Part of what drives me crazy talking to women in straight relationships is that they feel like the supervisor of their domestic tasks. If their husband makes dinner, he doesn’t prepare a four course meal. If their husband dresses the kids for school, he doesn’t put together a matching outfit. And so on and so forth.
But here is the hard truth about relationships: you are not their supervisor. You are their equal partner. It is completely acceptable for your boss at work to outline a detailed procedure about how to do X and Y. When you do that at home with your partner, you disempower them by making them think there is a minefield of ways that they can fuck up.
Another hard truth? They will. Because these men are human and perhaps did have mothers who treated them like useless larva who can’t wash their own crusty socks. But you do not have to perpetuate this cycle. It is the bare minimum to share in the domestic load and, if they are voicing their willingness to do it, let them.
Micromanaging undercuts YOU too
The reason why this makes me so mad is partially because I am married to a real grownup person, and I listen aghast hearing some of my friends talking about how exhausted they are with taking care their spouse’s every need: making their doctors appointments, making all their meals, doing bedtime with the kids every night, doing their laundry, and basically doing every single thing for them that doesn’t fall under the category of car and lawn maintenance.
And I’m going to nip this in the bud right now for the assholes who will site: 1. Taking out the trash 2. Working on the family car and 3. Mowing the lawn as the equivalent of managing all other household cleaning and the endless amount of life admin that most women take on. I mean, for some of you out there, it is the least you can do. The fucking least.
This piece is not aimed at women who are truly married to man-children who make no effort to contribute to childcare or housework. This is for women who are partnered with men who are actually trying.
He made dinner that consisted of mac and cheese, nuggets, and sad freezer-burnt green beans? Just relax and do something nice for yourself while he takes on dinner unless he’s feeding them Snicker bars or some shit.
When he dresses the kids, are they adequately prepared for the weather? Okay, good. If they don’t match, just wince and move on with your life knowing that this task has allowed you to spend a quiet moment preparing for your own day.
Why did our mothers and mothers’ mothers fight for us to have equal rights if we can’t let go of the reins and accept equal partnerships in our own homes?
Remember how it feels
I’m going to give an example to help you empathize with men who are trying to actually contribute to domestic duties we’ve all been socialized to think are not their forté. Ladies, have you ever popped the hood of your car to check your oil at a gas station, only to be asked if you need help by some man who doubts your confidence with car maintenance? Most of the time it’s a well-meaning gesture, but it signifies that they think you surely need help with a car-related task.
And you know what? Even if the rational part of your brain knows your own capabilities to troubleshoot and research issues with your car, these moments compound over time and make us subconsciously fearful of doing anything outside of rigid gender norms.
The next time you scoff at your husband for not swaddling the baby very well despite his best attempts, or anything that is childcare or domestic labor, I want you to remember that imposter syndrome you yourself have felt.
Don’t let the bastards get you down
The ugly truth is that the patriarchy disempowers all of us. If you allow this idea that you and ONLY you can complete domestic labor and childcare adequately, things will never get better for women. Whether you are a stay at home mom or a full-time working mamma, demand that your partner share the mental load of managing your household.
About two decades ago, my college boyfriend asked me a couple of times to do his laundry. I said I would not, and I have never let myself become the caretaker of any man since. Do I do things for my partner to help him out? Of course. I’ve even done his laundry. But only when I feel like it, and because I see just how much he does for me and our little boy. We are in this together.
P.S.: This post is very hetero-normative because it deals with stereotypically straight-couple dynamics, though it’s likely that anyone can identify with how traditional gender roles can have detrimental effects on their domestic lives. LGBTQI+ couples, I’d love to hear your experiences with divisions of household labor. Comment below!
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